How To Become A Superhero And Save The World (Step 1)

Oh good, it’s you.  This is very important.  At any given moment the world might end, be taken over by aliens or monsters, or fall victim to the hypnosis of an evil genius (this includes zombies and vampires, as in hypnosis and control of the undead.)  Everyone’s life as you know it is about to end.  You have a few moments left to live.  What are you going to do?  Find the nearest phone booth, rip of your fancy suit and expose your massive pectorals and throw your skin tight super hero uniform, of course!

Look, up in the sky!  It’s a bird, it’s a plane… is that you?  Its 2012, the world’s going to end soon!  We need someone to save us (not like probably a hippie who will turn your last drops of water into wine kind of savior) a real savior.  In short, we need a Superhero.  It has to be someone, why not you?  Do you have what it takes to save us?   Maybe… not?  Let me help.  I have compiled a list of 15 easy steps to becoming a superhero.   You made need to take notes.  Read carefully, memorize, and implement all of these steps.  Once you do call me.  If something bad happens we’ll need to band together and create a league of superheroes, if you will.

Anxiously Awaiting My Partner In Crime,

The Vegan Meegan
“Saving the world, one bite at a time.”

How To Become A Superhero And Save The World
(In 15 easy steps)

Step 1:  Something Painful Has To Happen To You.

That’s right.  Something really painful is about to happen to you to unlock your superpowers.  It might hurt, but don’t worry the pain will subside and if it doesn’t it will make you a better superhero.  This is because pain is what drives us.  Generally something horrible happens in a superhero’s life that keeps them going.  Of this Deepak Chopra says, “There is a saying in the Easter Wisdom Traditions that the measure of one’s enlightenment is the degree to which one is comfortable with paradox, contradiction, confusion, and ambiguity.  Friedrich Nietzsche agreed: ‘You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.’  This is what superheroes do.  They connect with their own awareness and reconcile the pull and push of their lives.  They stay centered and act from that place of strength and balance.”  Essentially, in order to have the strength to save the world from pain, you, yourself are going to have to experience it.

What are these potentially painful things?

  • Being doused with some sort of radioactivity or magical energy that causes you to mutate.  Now, according to an article posted on forbes.com this is probably “not a good idea.”  George J. Vargo says, “The bottom line is, what all of this stuff does when it enters the body is collide with atoms and molecules,’ he says. Small doses of radiation cause damage that can easily be repaired. A little more can make you very sick or result in the loss of limbs through amputation. Crank up the dosage past 600 rem (a standard unit for measuring radiation)–an amount 1,600 times what the average person is exposed to every year–and you’ll be dead within 14 days. “That’s a one-way trip,” says Vargo. “You damage the cells that line the small intestine, begin to lose one of the body’s most important fluid barriers, and quite literally you leak out the gut.”  As unpleasant as this sounds, if you can survive it, it’s worth it.

So, how did some of your favorite super-normal people survive super-radiation?  What makes Spiderman, The Incredible Hulk, Daredevil, the Fantasic Four and many others so special?  As you will see, they all possess many other qualities that make for great superheroes.  Qualities that outweigh the physical degradation of radiation.

  • Think about your past.  Is it a little blurry?  Are you an orphan?  Were you found in a field in the middle of Kansas?  If so then you’re probably an alien.  Having no parents growing up is painful enough (Batman is not an alien), but finding out that you were saved from some sort of war on your home planet and knowing that you’ll never really be like everyone else, that’s a torture that will never leave you.

Think back even harder.  Are you from another planet, another time even, and you had to destroy it in order to stop the Time War?  If so, then you’re a Time Lord and you’re the only one left.  Good thing you’re teaming up with me.  I’m a girl and you’ll be partial to me.  Though, I think you’d like Superman.  He may also be the last of his kind.

  • Of course, maybe something horribly painful doesn’t have to happen to you to become a superhero.  In fact, maybe you were just born really pretty and became really popular in high school.  If this is the case you are simply chosen.  Here’s the kicker.  You have to die… a lot.  And, as you remember from Battle Star Galactica (you have to watch this in order to be a REAL superhero) every time a Cylon dies and comes back to life, she remembers everything about how she died, even how it felt.  Of course, Cylons are resurrected, so if you’re not a Cylon you might come back from heaven making Earth feel somewhat like hell.  I would imagine any sort of hell that exists hurts, a lot.  The lesson here?  Maybe being pretty and popular is the most painful way to be (ß- deep insight into my soul.)
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