Defining Self

20170604_110251One month from today Madeline turns 1 year old. I became a mother the minute I realized I was pregnant, but I didn’t know what it meant to be a mom until I held my baby for the first time and didn’t want to let her go.

Now, as she grows, I wonder what our relationship will be.  As a stay at home mom sometimes I feel like I play the role of “bad cop”, teacher, future disciplinarian… I’m the one who says, “no.” Dad, on the other hand, is the fun one.  It’s so exciting to see him at 5:30! Was I playing with Mom?  Uh, who’s that?

And while I typically welcome this much needed break, it still cuts right to my heart every time my baby girl, the person I just dedicated my entire day to, reach for Da Da.

Being a mother has come to define me, but it is not my only definition; just as being a daughter was not the only thing that defined me in my teens… to the contrary, then it was something I rebelled against. I just hope my baby girl doesn’t find this rebellious spirit (not that I ever actually had one) too soon. And while she’s on her journey to writing her own definition of self, I too need to start define who I am again, outside the home.

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